sex-when-you-have-children
Explanation
The Joke
The comic is presented as a step-by-step instructional guide titled "How to Have Sex When You Have Young Children." It follows a couple through nine increasingly depressing steps. Step 1: Wait for children to sleep, at which point one partner announces "The tri-monthly conjunction is upon us!" and they rush to the closet. Step 2: Set reasonable expectations -- "No kissing, no foreplay, no break in the action, and for God's sake, no quiet moments of shared intimacy." Step 3: Begin sex, during which one partner confesses they cannot remember basic mechanics. Step 4: Overhear kid making noises, which sets them back thirty seconds they cannot afford. Step 5: Resolve to finish quickly -- in ten seconds. Step 6: Finish faster than expected, leading to the sarcastic celebration: "Wow, that was incredible. Let's have three-month dry spells more often!"
Step 7: Take a shower that lasts longer than the sex. Step 8: Upon emergence, perceive disapproval in the eyes of their baby, whom one parent insists "is just a baby, he doesn't know," while the other is certain "He knows." Step 9: Prepare for further erotic adventures -- by scheduling the next attempt for October, and the partner asking "For this year?"
The Humor
The comic is a painfully relatable portrayal of how parenthood transforms intimacy from a spontaneous act into a logistical operation with the romantic ambiance of a military extraction. Every step escalates the absurdity while remaining uncomfortably true to life for many parents of young children. The humor relies on the gap between what sex is "supposed" to be (passionate, intimate, unhurried) and what it becomes (rushed, mechanical, scheduled quarterly).
Standout gags include the rule against "quiet moments of shared intimacy" (treating tenderness as a luxury they cannot afford), the shower lasting longer than the act itself, the baby''s judgmental stare, and the final punchline where the next encounter is tentatively scheduled months away -- with the partner needing clarification on whether it is even the same calendar year. The comic is a bonus strip created as a thank-you for pre-orders of the book "Soonish," as noted in the footer.
References
The comic was created as a bonus thank-you for readers who pre-ordered Soonish: Ten Emerging Technologies That Will Improve and/or Ruin Everything, a 2017 nonfiction book co-authored by SMBC creator Zach Weinersmith and his wife Kelly Weinersmith.